


I need more time

by Space_Violets



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Self-Harm, and Alec dies, but he doesn't stay dead I promise, just in chapter 3, magnus bane has no powers, major character death is tagged but it doesn't last long, technically but it would never actually happen, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-30 02:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15087104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_Violets/pseuds/Space_Violets
Summary: Takes place immediately after 3x10. Alec is dying and no one can fix him. Can Simon give him a second chance?This is a multi chapter work in progress that follows Magnus through losing his powers and possibly losing the love of his life.





	1. I'm sorry my Angel

“Magnus it’s not…it’s his heart’s been… I don’t think its fixable” Catarina choked out, magic flowing from her fingertips.

 

Magnus felt a sob escape his lips. One hand was gripping Alec’s unbroken hand and the other was cradling Alec’s neck. “I’m sorry my Angel” was all he could manage to whisper. The other man tried to speak but with no avail. He felt Catarina’s hand on his shoulder.

 

“I’ve done the best I can to slow the bleeding but… I’m sorry Magnus.” He felt the grip tighten as more tears fell from his eyes.

 

“Thank you, Catarina.” He grimaced at how he sounded, cold and distant. “Can I be alone with him. Please I—” He felt another sob coming on before he pushed it down. “I want a minute alone with him before everyone else gets here” He heard Cat say another apology but it barely resonated, his thoughts swirling in dark clouds.

 

“Hey Magnus” Alec shifted slightly, trying to sit up.

 

“No-no-no- hey. You’ve still got a couple of minutes. You should save your strength.” Magnus could see the tears forming at Alec’s eyes and felt his eyes well up once again.

 

“I love you Magnus. I’m so sorry about your magic.” Magnus felt his grips on Alec tighten as his heart swelled for the millionth time since meeting the Shadowhunter. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised at Alec caring but he was. _Only Alec_ , he thought to himself, only Alec would be concerned about his magic right now.

 

“I’m going to be fine Alec.” He felt like he was about to choke. “I love you too”

 

Alec coughed again, letting out a groan of pain. “Will you promise me something?” He whispered. Magnus nodded. “Promise me you won’t give up on love.”

 

Magnus felt his heart clench. “Don’t—” 

 

“Please let me finish.” Alec took a raspy breath. “I know you gave up on love for almost a hundred years and I don’t want you to do that please… Magnus please,” the younger boy choked out.

 

Magnus was going to reject him, tell him that he was never going to love anyone after this. After his heart was about to be ripped out of his chest but he just nodded. “If that’s what you want darling” he managed to get out before he heard a yell coming from behind him. He turned to see Jace and Simon running towards them.

 

Jace immediately fell to his knees on the other side of his Parabatai. “Magnus is he- were you able to—”

 

“No” Magnus felt himself whisper. “I called Cat, she tried but his heart was punctured. No amount of magic can fix an injury this bad” He felt his voice wavering, even as he tried to be strong for those around them. He looked up to see Jace, tears falling from his eyes.

 

“I’m so sorry brother” he managed to get out. Alec tried to smile but was only slightly successful.

 

“It’s okay Jace” Alec whimpered. “Izzy?” He asked. Jace sucked in a breath.

 

“I’ll find her” Simon said from behind Jace and sped off at vampire speed. In seconds he was back, holding Isabelle in his arms bridal style. She let out a sob as soon as she laid eyes on his brother. Magnus felt her body heat next to his. Looking up, he saw her sad eyes and nudged her arm with his, indicating Alec’s hand. She nodded and replaced his hand with her own.

 

“Can we do anything?” She asked, “mundane medicine?” Magnus just shook his head, his now free hand stroking his boyfriend’s cheekbone. “WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!” He heard Izzy scream, followed by the familiar sound of a Shadowhunter feeling immense pain through his Parabatai bond but Magnus barely noticed. All he could look at was Alec. The young Nephilim was struggling to breath and sweat clung to his messy hair. Magnus thought he was the most beautiful man he had ever seen.

 

“I was supposed to have years with you” he whispered. “40 years wasn’t going to be enough, but I was going to spend every minute I could by your side” He placed a kiss to Alec’s forehead before he heard a gasp come from behind him.

 

“Can Shadowhunters turn?” He heard Simon ask.

 

“What?” Izabelle choked out.

 

“You want more time, I can try to give him that. Can Nephilim turn?”

 

Izzy nodded slowly, and, in a flash, Simon was next to Alec, fangs digging into his own flesh on his hand. He held it to Alec’s mouth and waited for a few drops of blood to fall in before taking his broken wrist and biting it quickly.  “He needs to swallow it” Simon said. Jace was still in pain but he moved to whisper something in Alec’s ear. Magnus had no idea what he said but he saw Alec swallow before letting out a sigh.

 

“Love you” Alec muttered quietly, not looking at anyone in particular. His hand fell from Izzy’s grasp and before Magnus could blink Jace was screaming and the love of his life wasn’t breathing anymore.

 

Magnus felt the warmth of Izzy’s body leave his side and vaguely noticed her and Simon at Jace’s side as his screams started stop. He hadn’t let go of Alec, felt like he couldn’t let go. He moved to close Alec’s eyelids and gently laid his head back onto the ground. He changed his own position, so he was sitting instead of kneeling but couldn’t make himself lose contact with Alec’s body, so he grabbed the boys hand. He felt like he was in a trance. He knew that he wasn’t alone. He could hear Izzy and Jace speaking to each other and felt Simon put a hand on his shoulder at some point, but he barely acknowledged it. All he could think about was Alec. Alec kissing him in the mornings before he had to roll out of bed and head to the Institute. Alec telling him he loved him for the first time after Valentine’s massacre. Alec telling him his demon mark was beautiful. Alec waking up early to surprise him with breakfast. Alec blushing the first time Magnus saw him shirtless. Alec. Alec. Alec.

 

He was brought back from his memories by Jace shaking his body. “Magnus, hey. We need to talk.” He said. Magnus shook his head.

 

“I can’t leave him alone. I can’t—” Magnus said, his voice raspy and exhausted.

 

“He’s not gonna be alone” Jace motioned behind him to Maryse and Luke who were walking towards him. Maryse knelt next to the other side of Alec.

 

“I’ll be here.” She said, and Magnus allowed Jace to pull him to his feet and walk him to where Izzy and Simon were standing.

 

“We need to make a decision” She said, her lip quivering. “About trying to turn him”

 

Magnus felt himself suck in a breath. He had almost forgotten what had happened. Had forgotten that Alec could have another chance. He did the best to clear his head, so he could negotiate with Alec’s family. “He deserves more time” He finally said. “He’s only 23.”

 

Jace sucked in a breath. “Are you still immortal?” He asked. Magnus narrowed his eyes. Of all things, he hadn’t expected Jace to say that.

 

He nodded. “I-I think so”

 

“Then I want my Parabatai back.” He said. “If you would have asked me a few months ago I would never say yes but… He… If it gives me more time with him then I want it.”

 

Izabelle just nodded her head, as if she was in a trance. “I need to call Raphael.” She finally said before Simon finally spoke for the first time.

 

“Raphael hasn’t been seen for months. I’ve talked to a few people, but everyone thinks he skipped town.”

 

“I know” Izzy said coldly. “I was the one who made him leave because he experimented on a vampire and broke the accords, but I know he’s a good man and he’s the best chance Alec has.” She pulled out her phone and began speaking rapidly into it, arguing with man on the other end of the line. “Please” she begged. “Please, I know I told you to leave town, but I’ve forgiven you and I need you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Magnus is going to need you if this works and… especially if it doesn’t” After a few more seconds she nodded in approval and put the phone back in her pocket. She turned back to Simon, “Can you find the nearest graveyard?”

 

He nodded his head and sped off. Magnus let himself take another shaky breath. “I need to go talk to her” Jace motioned to Maryse who was looking down at Alec, she was crying, and Luke had his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Izzy looked at Jace and they both nodded, walking towards their mother. When they pulled her to the street to talk, Magnus went back to his former spot next to Alec. He ran his fingers through the younger man’s hair.

 

“You still look so handsome,” he whispered. “If this doesn’t work… I still won’t ever forget you angel. These past few months have made me the happiest I’ve been in a long time… I—”

 

Simon interrupted his thoughts by speeding next to him. “I found one, it’s only a few blocks away.”

 

Magnus nodded. “Any idea of when Raphael will get here?”

 

“I overheard him on the phone. I don’t think he ever really left. I think he was laying low and hiding from Izzy in the outskirts of the city.  He’s going to be here soon.”

 

Magnus nodded again. “Thank you, Simon.”

 

Simon gave a weak smile. “I don’t want any more death today.”

 

Magnus snapped his head up at that statement. “Any more death?”

 

Simon took a deep breath. “When I killed Lilith, Clary was gone. Jace doesn’t think I killed her but we have no idea.”

 

Magnus felt his heart clench again and stood up. “I’m so sorry Simon.” He pulled the young vampire in the hug. “I had no idea.”

 

When they pulled back, Simon gave Magnus another smile. “This- Alec- it’s going to work. I have faith.”

 

Magnus felt his eyes well up with tears again. “Thank you” His attention was drawn from the conversation by Jace and Izzy’s return.

 

“Well that was unpleasant” Jace muttered as he walked back to the group with Izzy close behind him.

 

“She’ll get over it” Izzy assured him. “She still has her prejudices but if this works I know she will secretly be grateful.”  She turned to Simon. “You found the graveyard?”

 

Simon nodded. “It’s about 4 blocks from here. I texted Raphael and he’s going to meet us there.”

 

Jace kneeled down next to Alec. “I’ll carry him. Lead the way.” He lifted Alec’s body and followed Simon into the street. Izzy and Magnus followed closely behind.

 

“I’m sorry.” Isabelle said after they had been walking for a while. “About your magic. Jace told me earlier.”

 

Magnus chuckled. “Honestly I haven’t had time to think about it. I thought it would feel like a piece of me is gone but… I don’t know… I did it for Alec and now…” He let out a long sigh. “I don’t know”

 

“It’s gonna work Magnus.” Izzy said, but Magnus could hear the doubt in her voice. “He’s going to come back to us.”

 

“I sure hope so.” Magnus said and forced himself to smile at the Shadowhunter. They continued walking in silence until they reached the cemetery. When they reached the entrance, Magnus was surprised to see Raphael already there with shovels.

 

Izzy was the first to speak with him when they arrived. “Thank you for coming Raphael.” She stated courtly. Magnus could sense tension radiating between them and gave Raphael a questioning look.

 

“How long was the blood in his system before he died?” Raphael asked, looking at Simon this time.

 

“Not long.” Simon replied. “But he did swallow the blood before- before he died.”

 

Raphael nodded. “He has a good chance. Let’s go.” They made their way into the cemetery and found an empty lot. Jace laid Alec down on the ground near the lot and took a shovel from Raphael’s hand.

 

“Will you stay with him?” Jace asked Magnus. “While I do this?”

 

“Of course.” Magnus replied. “But if you need help I can.”

 

Jace just shook his head. “No, we’ve got this. I just don’t want him to be alone, which I know is stupid but…” He shook his head.

 

“I’ll stay with him.” Magnus said and took a seat next to the body of his boyfriend. Jace turned to walk back toward the lot and began digging with the help of Izzy and Simon. Magnus decided to run his fingers through Alec’s black hair to distract himself. He closed his eyes and realized he could almost pretend that they were back at the loft. Many nights Alec would come home exhausted and would lay in Magnus’ lap and let the warlock play with his hair.

 

Magnus’ thoughts were interrupted when he felt another body plop down next to him. He opened his eyes to see Raphael sitting next to him. “Hey Magnus” Raphael said, in the soft tone he reserved for his close friends.

 

“Raphael.” Magnus said, hints of anger in his tone.  “You’ve been avoiding me.”

 

The vampire sighed. “I’m sorry Magnus. It was complicated. I didn’t want to involve you.”

 

“I heard Izzy kicked you out of the city because you broke the accords’” Magnus stated before feeling Raphael tense next to him.

 

“I fucked up Magnus. I experimented on a fledgling because I wanted to figure out how to become a Daylighter. I- I turned back into the monster you taught me not to be. I spent the last few weeks just thinking about all the awful things I’ve done and—” Raphael stopped to wipe the tears at his eyes. “I want to figure out how to make this better, but I don’t know how Magnus”

 

Magnus hard expression softened as he shifted to give Raphael a hug. “You will Raphael. You’re a good person. You’ll make this right.” At that Magnus shifted himself back to his original position and went back to running his finger through Alec’s hair.

 

“I’m sorry Magnus. About Alec. I know how much he means to you. If this works I will do everything.” He took a deep breath. “Absolutely everything in my power to help him. I already called Lily, who’s currently leading the clan, and I can take him to Dumort.”

 

Magnus smiled. “Thank you.” He leaned his head onto Raphael’s shoulder. “Never think you can’t come to me about your problems. You will always be the closest thing I have to a son. No matter your mistakes.” They stayed like that for a while. “You know I gave up my magic.” Magnus said quietly. “I gave up my magic to save his life and he still might be dead.” Magnus felt Raphael tense under him again.

 

“Why would you do that?” he finally asked.

 

“I went to Edom to visit my father. I traded my magic to break a hold Lilith had on Jace so Alec didn’t have to kill him. I thought if he did that… that the same Alec I love wouldn’t come back.”

 

“I’ve never seen you care about someone like this.” Raphael said. “He must be special.”

 

Magnus gave a small smile. “Very”

 

Their conversation was interrupted by Jace walking back towards them. “We’re ready.” The Shadowhunter said and grabbed Alec’s body. All Magnus could do was nod numbly and let Raphael help him to his feet. Jace had already placed Alec in the ground and was shoveling dirt onto him. Izzy and Simon started to join him, and Magnus noticed tears falling from Izzy’s eyes, even though she had made her face void of emotion.

 

Seeing Alec’s pale body being covered by dirt was too much for Magnus. He felt a stabbing pain in his heart and more tears threatening to escape his eyes. “I can’t do this.” He whispered. His heart broke at the thought of losing another loved one, if this didn’t work. He turned away from the grave and put his hand to his mouth, the tears spilling again. A few seconds later, he felt arms wrap around him.

 

“You’re okay Magnus. You’re okay.” Raphael whispered into his ear. They stayed like that until the others finished covering the body and Raphael let him go. “It’s going to take a few minutes.” Raphael told the group. They all nodded. Magnus walked to where Jace and Izzy were standing.

 

“Thank you for being strong when I couldn’t.” He told them. He felt Isabelle grab his hand and give it a squeeze.

 

“We’ve been trained for this Magnus. Trained to not feel emotion. It’s okay.” She gave him a halfhearted smile. “I’m going to go talk to Raphael okay?” She turned and walked towards him, leaving the other two men alone. Jace shifted awkwardly.

 

“Magnus, I never thanked you for- you know- saving me. Thank you. I know you didn’t necessarily do it for me but… still thank you.” Jace said, looking down. “Anything you need to help get it back, it’s yours.”

 

“Thank you Jace.” Magnus replied. “I haven’t had a chance to think about getting it back yet but thank you.” Jace nodded, finally moving his head to meet Magnus’ eyes. “Can I ask you something?” Magnus asked.

 

“Of course.” Jace replied quickly.

 

“What did you whisper to him. Right before he—” Magnus paused to swallow. “Before he died?”

 

Jace started shifting uncomfortably again. “I um. I told him—” He paused to take a breath and run his fingers through his hair. “I told him to swallow if he wanted to make sure you would never be alone… He told me once, when he was drunk. When you guys we’re on that break. He told me that he was never scared of you leaving him, just of you being alone when he died… I know I probably shouldn’t have said it but it’s the only thing I could think that would make him do it.”

 

 Magnus gave him a weak smile before replying. “It’s okay Jace. It worked.” He felt his heart constrict again. They had fought about his immortality in the past, but Magnus never considered the idea that Alec was lashing out because he cared for Magnus. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised, because Alec had one of the purest souls of anyone he ever met but he still couldn’t hide his shock.

 

Jace looked like he was about to say something else but decided against it when they we’re joined by the other three members of their group.

 

“You okay?” Izzy asked the both of them. They both nodded and went back to staring at the plot of dirt. After 10 minutes, Magnus felt himself becoming restless. He started pacing without really realizing it but was stopped five minutes later by Raphael.

 

“Your pacing is putting us on edge.” He told him, and Magnus took his previous spot next to him. “You might not want to be here for this Magnus.” Raphael added quietly. “I already told the other two but seeing someone you love when they first turn can be hard.”

 

Magnus just glared at the Vampire. “Really?” was all he managed to ask. Raphael shrugged before Magnus continued to speak. “I’m not leaving him. I’ve seen this before. I don’t care. He’s still Alec.” He was going to continue but stopped when he heard Izzy take a shaky breath behind him.

 

“It’s not going to work.” Izzy whispered. Magnus turned to comfort her but saw Simon had already wrapped her in a hug.

 

“Alec is strong. He’s going to come back.” Jace said confidently but Magnus felt a lump forming in his throat. He was still looking at Izzy and Simon when he heard a gasp come from Jace. He immediately spun around and brought a hand to his mouth to stop a gasp.

 

A pale hand had emerged from the dirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. I need you to listen to me

Magnus stared at the hand that had emerged, not quite sure how to feel. It was quickly joined by another and soon Alec was pulling his body from the dirt. Raphael was quick to reach down to the backpack that laid at his feet. He pulled three bags of blood from it and tossed a bag towards Alec once he had finished pulling his body from the earth. Alec tore into it desperately and quickly chugged the red liquid. Blood trickled down his chin to his neck as he finished the first bag and Raphael tossed him another. He tore into it again and a good portion didn’t make it to his mouth, coating his neck and spilling onto his chest. Raphael tossed him the final bag and Alec carefully drank this one, trying to get every last drop.

 

After a few moments Alec seemed to come to. “What’s happening?” he asked. “I don’t- I don’t understand. I-I-I” He stuttered and looked down at his chest. “What’s happening to me?” He cried out. “I don’t understand.”  His hands started to shake, and he stared at them, still kneeling in the dirt. “I feel wrong. Something feels wrong. My body… I don’t- I feel wrong. I don’t- I don’t” He continued to mutter to himself. Raphael went to kneel next to him.

 

“Hey Alec, it’s Raphael.” He said in a calming tone. “I know you’re not my biggest fan but I’m going to help you okay?”

 

Alec just shook his head. “This isn’t possible. It’s not possible.”

 

“Alec.” Raphael started, “You just turned okay? I know you feel weird but I’m going to take care of you okay?” Alec continued to shake his head and sat back so he could pull his legs toward himself. He wrapped his arms around them and Magnus realized he was trying to make himself as small as possible.

 

Izzy lounged forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Alec, it’s Izzy. I need you to go with Raphael okay? He’s going to take you to the Dumort.” Alec sprang to his feet and started backing away from her.

 

“Don’t touch me. Please don’t I—” He wiped at his eyes and Magnus noticed that tears were falling from his boyfriend’s eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you. Please. Please.” He cried out.

 

They stayed that way awhile, Alec keeping his distance. At one-point Simon tried to reason with him but Magnus couldn’t hear what he was saying. He was too focused on Alec. His shirt had torn into a bigger hole then when he died, and part of his chest was peeking out. Magnus couldn’t figure out what was so off putting about it until it hit him. It was empty of runes. Alec’s hands and neck were covered in blood and it seemed as if his whole body was shaking in panic.

 

“I’m not a vampire!” Alec’s harsh tone brought Magnus’ attention back to the present and saw that Simon was still trying to reason with him. Raphael glanced at Magnus and gave him a pleading look. Magnus took a deep breath and walked up to Alec. He grabbed the panicked man’s hand.

 

“Alexander. My love. I need you to listen to me.” He said as the man continued to shake his head. Magnus decided against holding his hand and cupped his face with both of his hands instead. “You died Alec. You died, and this was the only thing we could do. You died. You know that. Okay?” Alec nodded his head slightly. “The only way you could have come back from dying was turning you. I know you don’t want to accept it. I know it all feels wrong okay? But you need to go with Raphael…so he can help you.”

 

Alec nodded again. “Okay.” He muttered but took a few steps back. “Please just- just don’t touch me.” He said as more tears welled at his eyes. He moved to walk towards Raphael and Simon and they turned to leave. Magnus suddenly felt weak and dizzy. He felt himself sway and expected to feel the ground, not caring how much it hurt. Instead he felt a warm body and hands at his shoulders, steadying him. He knew it was Jace and opened his mouth to protest but he choked on another sob instead. He felt Izzy wrap her arms around him from the side and he leaned into her.

 

“He hates me.” He managed to get out between tears. “Oh god he’s going to hate me.” Isabelle shushed him but didn’t stop him from crying into her shoulder. After a few minutes he was able to regain his composure and stepped away from the two siblings. “I apologize… for losing my composure again. I need to go home. I will call you with any updates from Raphael.” He turned to walk towards the subway but didn’t get very far before he heard Jace jog up behind him.

 

“Do you want me to walk you home?” He asked when he caught up to the Warlock. Magnus let out a chuckle despite how awful he felt.

 

“You know I’ve been alive for centuries, right?” He asked the Shadowhunter. Jace furrowed his brow.

 

“I know Magnus, but I want to make sure you’re safe.” Jace said.

 

“It’s the subway Jace.” Magnus replied. “I’ll be fine. Go back home. I’m pretty sure you’re now the acting head of the Institute.” Magnus felt Jace suck in a breath.

 

“Shit you’re right. I’ll- I’ll call you at some point. Just if you need anything please let me know. Information, protection, anything.” Jace waited for Magnus to nod before turning and running the opposite direction. Magnus tried his best to clear his mind as he found his way to the subway and found his way home. Luckily his wards still recognized him, and he was able to open the door without a key.

 

He didn’t realize how tired he was until he passed through the front door. He knew he needed to take a shower but suddenly the thought of doing anything was too much. He snapped his fingers to change into sleeping clothes before he realized his magic was gone. He leaned his head against the wall. “It’s fine” he whispered to himself, “I’m fine.” He changed into a pair of silk PJ’s and wiped the makeup from his eyes. He fell into bed and was thankful sleep came to him easily.

 

Magnus woke up early the next morning to a phone ringing. He grumbled and put a pillow over his head. “Aleccccc” he whined, still half asleep. He instinctively reached out to the other side of the bed and jolted awake when he didn’t feel a body next to him. When he completely regained consciousness, the previous night’s events hit him like a ton of bricks. “Shit” he whispered, before grabbing his phone and checking the caller ID. He saw Caterina’s name and immediately answered the call.

 

“Hey Cat,” he muttered, running a hand through his dirty hair.

 

“Magnus!” She exclaimed, “I’ve been worried sick about you.” 

 

“Sorry,” He muttered. “I passed out as soon as I got home, and I don’t think I checked my phone last night.”

 

“It’s okay Magnus.” Catarina assured him. “Can I come over? I don’t want you to be alone right now.” 

 

“I’m fine Cat.” He told her but could hear his own voice wavering. She said nothing, and Magnus sighed, knowing this wasn’t a battle he couldn’t win. “Fine but give me an hour to make myself look presentable.” He glanced at his clock, that read 7:34 a.m. “extra points if you bring me breakfast.”

 

Catarina chuckled. “Anything for you Magnus.”  

 

Magnus got out of bed and took a deep breath. Everything from the night before was coming back to him but he tried his best to push the thoughts out of his head. Luckily, unlike many warlocks, he typically made a point to get ready in the mornings without using magic. He grabbed an outfit from his closet and laid it out on his bed before remembering he should probably check the texts on his phone. He had multiple texts from Cat, one from Jace asking about Alec, and one from Raphael telling him that he had gotten Alec to Dumort safely. That relieved a bit of anxiety and Magnus made a mental note to himself to call Raphael later in the day when he would be awake. He sent a quick text to Jace with an update before getting in the shower.

 

Once he finished getting ready, he glanced at the clock and realized that Catarina would be there soon. He sighed and checked his phone again. Jace had sent him another text, asking if he was okay which made Magnus roll his eyes. _Of course not_ , he typed out. He bit the inside of his cheek and deleted the message. _Don’t worry about me,_ he sent instead. He was debating if his message was still too dramatic when he heard a knock on the door.

 

He walked to the door and answered it to see both Catarina and Madzie. Despite his troubles, he couldn’t help but smile at the two warlocks he considered family. “Sweet pea!” he exclaimed and hugged the young girl. “I didn’t know you were coming today.” He could feel his spirits being lifted already.

 

“Mom says she needs to give you a checkup like she does for her friends at work.” Madzie told him, once he had pulled out of their hug. He raised an eyebrow at Catarina before standing back on both feet and pulling his longtime friend into a hug as well.

 

“Madzie, do you want to go read your book on the couch?” Cat asked her adopted daughter. Madzie nodded her head and skipped off towards Magnus’ living room. She turned her attention to Magnus and motioned towards his dining room. “Let’s sit yeah?” She asked, and Magnus nodded his head. Once they we’re comfortable, she conjured donuts and two cups of coffee.

 

“Bless you” Magnus muttered, taking the paper cup into his hands and taking a sip. He put the cup down and grabbed a donut. Catarina was one of the only people who knew how much comfort food helped him in times of need.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Catarina finally asked after a while.

 

“Has Raphael talked to you?” He asked, unable to look his friend in the eyes.

 

“No, he’s been ignoring my messages for weeks. Why?”

 

Magnus took a deep breath and forced himself to look Cat in the eyes. “Simon was there last night. He’s a vampire friend of Clary’s. He was there before Alec… before he… he…” He struggled to get the words out. “God, he turned him Cat. Jace, Izzy, and I were so heartbroken that we let it happen… but I didn’t…” He felt silent tears fall from his eyes. “He’s going to hate me.” He felt the other Warlock put a hand on his and give it a squeeze.

 

“He’s got another chance Magnus. He’s going to forgive you, it may take a while, but you’ll work it out. I’m sure of it.” Catarina reassured him. Once Magnus had finished another donut and the rest of his coffee, Cat dragged him to the living room. “I want to check your magic, see what’s gone and what’s not.” She explained. Madzie was still engrossed in her book on one of his chairs but smiled at him before he laid on the couch.

 

“My permanent glamours still work.” He told her. “My body feels the way it normally does but I can’t use any magic.” After his explanation she put her hands next to his head and started moving them down to his neck, her hands glowing blue. Her hands went back to his eyes then she motioned for him to stand up. She put her hands at his belly button, where his other glamour was located. Warlocks didn’t have navels and most, like Magnus, choose to glamour this fact.

 

“Okay Magnus, you still have all your magic.” She told him. He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You still have your magic inside you,” she continued explaining, “but its locked away. I don’t think a warlock could unlock it, but it’s definitely not gone and you’re still immortal.” Magnus smiled at that. This was better news than he expected, he had actually worried his father had turned him into a mundane. Although he was happy at the news, the thought of not having magic for the indefinite future was overwhelming. He sat back down on the couch and put his head in his hands and tried to steady his breath. Catarina sat next to him and put her arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a side hug. “Whatever you need Magnus, I’m here for you.” She told him. He felt another body join them and looked up to see Madzie smiling at him.

 

“Mom will make you feel better. She always does.” The young warlock stated. Magnus couldn’t help but smile and lean into Catarina’s touch.

 

“Don’t worry sweet pea. She already has.”

 

***

 

Hours had passed since Catarina and Madzie had left. Magnus had spent the time going through his library and pulling all the books that he thought could help with his situation. He had one of the most extensive collections of Warlock knowledge in the country and knew he had to own something that could help him with his magic loss. Unfortunately, not all his books were in this apartment, but Magnus knew it would be days, or even weeks before he read everything that could help him from this library alone. He had just pulled a book about magic strengthening when he heard a knock on his door. He frowned and put the book in his growing pile. He wasn’t expecting anyone and was just praying it wasn’t Lorenzo or a surprise client. He went to open the door and was surprised to see Jace standing there.

 

“Hi Magnus.” He croaked out. It was obvious he had been crying recently and Magnus noticed he was still wearing the same clothes from the night before.

 

“Jace. What are you—” Magnus started before Jace interrupted him.

 

“Did Alec tell you about how Valentine experimented on me? With angel blood?” The Shadowhunter asked frantically. Magnus nodded. “My powers are gone.” Jace continued, tears at his eyes again. Magnus gave him a confused look but let him in. They sat in the living room.

 

“I don’t really understand what you’re talking about Jace.” Magnus admitted. Jace took a deep breath.

 

“Right okay. So, you know how Simon is a Daylighter?” He waited for Magnus to nod before continuing, “He became a Daylighter because he drank my blood. The extra angel blood in my system gave him that gift- and I—” He stopped again to take a few breaths which let Magnus connect the dots. He had asked Simon how he had become a Daylighter, but the vampire had sworn he didn’t know. “The extra angel blood is gone. Being possessed must have done something to my blood.” Jace continued. “I couldn’t activate my runes without my stele the way I usually could so Izzy ran tests. It’s gone and now I can’t give that gift to Alec—”

Magnus felt himself take a breath. “Shit Jace.” He muttered. “I don’t even know what to say.”

 

“I wanted to let him have a relatively normal life… with you.” Jace replied. He ran his hand through his hair, something he always seemed to do when nervous. “Clary has the same power, but she’s officially been classified as missing in action. Simon is convinced she’s dead and I don’t know what to think anymore.” He put his head in his hands.

 

“I’m sorry Jace.” Magnus said, not sure of what else to say. “I’m so… so sorry. Do you want me to make you some tea or anything? I also have donuts if you want to eat your feelings.” He heard Jace chuckle slightly before bringing his head up from his hands.

 

“I’m okay. Thank you though.” Jace replied. “I appreciate you letting me talk. It’s nice, to talk to someone without worrying about being reprimanded by the Clave. They’re already giving me so much shit, I feel like I need to walk on eggshells but I’m too tired to actually do it.”

 

Magnus sat up straighter. “You told them?”

 

Jace nodded slowly. “What else could I have done? Alec was the Head of the Institute. We couldn’t exactly not tell them.”

 

Magnus nervously played with his hands. “What exactly did you tell them?”

 

“That I asked Simon to turn Alec. Well I actually said I begged him. I worried they would punish him if they thought he chose to turn a Shadowhunter.” Jace replied. “They can’t do anything about it if it’s another Nephilim who chose to turn him.”

 

“You shouldn’t have said that Jace.” Magnus told him, shaking his head. “I would have been more than willing to take full responsibility.”

 

Jace rolled his eyes. “The last thing you need is the Clave breathing down your neck, besides, being Parabatai means that I can claim the pain of losing him drove me to madness or whatever.” He gestured vaguely. “Luckily Izzy was smart enough to not comment so they think she had no involvement. She’s acting Head of the Institute now.”

 

“They won’t let you be Head anymore?”

 

“No... But I never wanted it anyway.” Jace replied. “I don’t care about that, I care about the Clave treating… acting like what happened to Alec is worse than death… acting like I’m a traitor just because I wanted to save my Parabatai- my brother.” Magnus noticed tears welling at the Shadowhunters eyes. “We just wanted to save our brother,” he choked out.

 

Magnus felt tears of his own threatening to escape but forced them back. “You should sleep Jace. Or shower… or something. You look rough.”

 

Jace pursed his lips in frustration. “It’s been non-stop since we last saw each other. I haven’t slept, I haven’t showered, I wouldn’t have eaten if it wasn’t for Izzy. Even when I’ve had a break I can’t do anything, all I can do is worry about him.”

 

“I’m going to call Raphael in a few hours, once he’s awake to get an update and see about visiting Alec okay?”

 

“Thank you, Magnus,” Jace huffed out. “I need to get back to the Institute, continue to figure things out. I need to find out what happened to Clary—” He choked a little, after saying her name, the pain etched into his face.

 

Magnus moved to put a hand on Jace’s shoulder. “I’m sure you will be able to find her. She’s strong Jace, one of the strongest Shadowhunters I’ve ever known.”

 

Jace smiled but stood up abruptly. “I need to go back. I have too much to be doing to be wasting time. I should leave just- please text me about Alec.” He started to walk towards the door, but Magnus stopped him.

 

“Don’t forget to take care of yourself Jace.” He said before letting the young man leave. He went back to his living room and sunk into his couch, running a hand over his face. His makeup had probably smeared but he didn’t care. He grabbed his phone and quickly sent Raphael a message, asking to give him a call as soon as he woke up. He considered staying on the couch but knew, from too much previous experience, that doing nothing when he was upset was never a good idea. He forced himself to stand up and go back to his research.

 

***

 

An hour and a half had passed, Magnus continued to look through his collection of books and separate the ones he had deemed relevant. He was doing the best not to think about his boyfriend, but his mind continued to betray him. He wanted to see Alec again, every fiber of his being wanted to see the younger man and make sure he was okay, but he was terrified. Terrified that Alec would hate him for not being able to save him, terrified that Alec would think he betrayed him by turning him into a Downworlder, terrified that Alec would never want to see him again.  That thought alone made his blood run cold. The only thing, Magnus thought to himself, that could come close to the devastation of living in a world without Alec would be living in a world where Alec hated him.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by the familiar ring of his phone coming from the other room. He dropped the book he was holding to the floor and ran out of the room. Once he spotted his phone on the couch, he all but lunged for the device. He immediately answered when he saw that it was Raphael calling. “Hey” he breathed, trying to calm his heartrate.

 

“Magnus.” Raphael replied, the sounds of sleep still seeping through his voice. “Are you doing okay?” 

Magnus did the best he could not to snap. “How’s Alec?” he asked calmly, avoiding the question that he didn’t want to answer.

 

“He’s doing… alright. He’s not… He’s not as affected by the blood thing or the religious thing but he… He’s very freaked out about how different his body feels. I’ve never seen a fledgling be so upset about that aspect, but I think it has to do with him being a Shadowhunter and losing his runes when he changed.” 

 

Magnus took a long deep breath and tried not to think about Alec being in pain. “I need to see him.” He said finally.

 

“Umm” he heard Raphael stall across the phone. “Magnus… maybe you should just let me take care of him. It’s fine. He’s doing fine.”

 

“Raphael, he’s my boyfriend. I want to see him.” Magnus assured but noticed the long silence. “Raphael are you still there?” he asked.

 

“Yeah I’m still here Magnus” Raphael replied.

 

“Then what’s the problem?”

 

“He told me he doesn’t want to see you or anyone else in his family… indefinitely.”


	3. I don't blame you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't posted lately guys! I just moved and started a new job so my updates might take a bit longer now that I'm not unemployed :P
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM*

Alec jumped and spun around immediately when he heard the door open behind him. He instinctively formed his hands into fists, ready to defend himself. “Easy—" he heard a familiar voice say, “it’s just me. It’s Raphael.” He lowered his fists and immediately took a step back as he realized who was standing in front of him.

 

“I’m sorry. I- I don’t… Did I hurt you? Shit I—” Alec rambled, his voice rising in panic. Raphael took a step forward and placed a hand lightly on his shoulder.

 

“You’re fine Alec. You feeling better? Did you sleep?” He asked. Alec shook his head quickly and looked at the floor. Raphael removed his arm and looked at Alec with concern. “Are you hungry? Do you need more blood? Sometimes you need more when you first turn so you need to let me know.”

 

“No, I’m fine I think.” Alec replied, looking uncomfortable. He backed up a few steps and sat on the bed. “My skin… it hurts. Kind of… I-I don’t know how to explain it.” Tears began forming in his eyes and he brought his hands to cover his face. Raphael kneeled in front of him.

 

“Alec… I know you already made your thoughts on it very clear, but I really think you should see Magnus. He’s been alive for so long, he might be able to help you with this.” Alec shook his head violently. “He loves you Alec,” Raphael continued, “he’s worried about you.” Alec’s head popped up.

 

“You talked to him?” He asked wearily, feeling his heart sink a little. Raphael met his eyes.

 

“Do you really think that Magnus hasn’t contacted me yet? I woke up to a text from him begging me to call him. I talked to him this morning. He wants to see you.” Alec immediately began shaking his head again at Raphael’s words.

 

“Please don’t let him- I can’t. I can’t face him. Please Raphael,” he begged. Raphael shook his head at him. Alec seemed to be getting worked up and was breathing heavily, even though he didn’t even need to breath at all.

 

“Calm down Alec, I told him not to come okay?” Alec calmed down a bit and started breathing at a more normal pace. He pulled his legs into his chest.

 

“Can I be alone Raphael. I’m sorry but I…” He trailed off and looked down at the ground. Raphael sighed but stood up.

 

“Alright Alec, I’m going to have people check up on you every few hours and bring you some blood soon. This room is temporary too okay? It’s just a precaution that we have for fledglings. I’m getting you a room. You’re welcome here.” He turned and left the room. Alec looked around and took in his words. The room reminded him of a hospital that had been created for someone who was prone to hurting themselves. He wondered, with a frown, if that was a common issue or if Raphael knew one of his secrets. He laid down on the bed and tried to sleep but it wouldn’t come. Subconsciously, he began running his hands over his skin. It felt like that feeling he got when his limbs would fall asleep but all over his body. He closed his eyes as more tears started to form, hoping that something, anything would take the pain away.

 

***

 

He must have fallen asleep at some point because before he knew it his head was foggy, and he was back at the graveyard. He looked down and saw blood on his arms. He felt major déjà vu and doubts started creeping into his mind. Was he dreaming? Was he imagining this? Was he—His thoughts were immediately cut off when he heard a choking sound. He looked at the ground at saw Magnus laying on the ground. He had blood gushing out of his neck and looked too weak to do anything to stop it. Alec felt like he was going to throw up and immediately lunged at him, pulling Magnus’ head into his lap once he was on the ground. He pulled off his shirt and held it to the wound and started internally panicking.

 

“It’s okay,” Magnus told him, his eyes opening to meet Alec’s. “I don’t blame you.” Alec’s stomach lurched.

 

“Did I do this to you?” He choked out. Magnus smiled and brought his hand up to Alec’s face.

 

“I don’t blame you Alec. It’s not your fault. I got to close. Usually I could fix it with magic but…” Magnus trailed off as the light started to leave his eyes.

 

“No no no no no.” Alec muttered. “I love you, please don’t leave me.” He sobbed as Magnus’ body went limp. He let out a scream

 

***

 

He woke up sweating and with his mouth open. He realized after a few seconds that he was still screaming. He jumped out of bed and immediately backed himself into the corner of his room. His body was shaking, and sobs were escaping him, despite his effort to keep quiet. His fangs had popped out at some point and were making him feel even worse about himself. His mind wouldn’t stop racing. All he could think about was Magnus and seeing his lifeless body. He could do that to him. He could kill him, and he wouldn’t be able to fix it because he gave up his magic. For him. These thoughts kept ravaging him until he was exhausted and defeated.

 

“I never deserved you.” He whispered. He stared at his hands. All he wanted to do was shoot his bow and arrow until his fingers bled. To punish himself. He noticed his fangs again and thought back to the night before, when he was dying. It was foggy, but he remembered Simon cutting himself to bleed into his mouth. He quickly brought his forearm to his mouth and let his left fang ghost over it. He closed the distance and let his fang pull across the skin. He winced at the pain but moved to repeat the motion when he heard the door swing open. Raphael immediately rushed over to him and grabbed his arm from him.

 

“Oh Alec,” he muttered. “You don’t need to do this to you yourself.”  He pulled Alec to his feet. “Simon!” He yelled. “I need a first aid kit. In my bathroom under the sink.” In only a few moments, Simon had sped into the room. He opened it and Raphael started to work at fixing his arm. After a few minutes and a gauze wrapped his arm, Raphael sent Simon off with a thankful look.

 

“I don’t do this.” Alec said finally, breaking the silence. “I’m not suicidal, I- I had a nightmare and I freaked out but I don’t… I don’t do this.” Raphael looked at him sadly.

 

“One of the vampires heard you screaming. They came to me, I’m sorry I didn’t get to you sooner.” Alec shook his head.

 

“Why are you doing this?” He asked. “Why are you being nice to me?” His voice broke and he instinctively took a step back. Raphael sighed when Alec moved to look at the ground.

 

“Alec, you’re my family now. You’re a part of this clan… and you’re more than that. Magnus is my family. He’s practically my father. And he cares about you. More than he’s cared about anyone since I’ve known him. You’re his family, whether you still accept that or not doesn’t matter. He’s my family and so are you.” Alec looked up to meet Raphael’s gaze and smiled for the first time since he changed.

 

“You’re very kind Raphael. I-I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you before. I- I just I’m having a hard time adjusting. I-I… Magnus I killed him in my dream. That’s why I did this.” He lifted his arm in the air slightly. “To punish myself. It won’t happen again.” Raphael gave him a kind look.

 

“I know Alec, I promise it’s going to be okay.” Alec bit his lower lip slightly but nodded his head. He touched his forearm, finally realizing what had happened. He felt panic start to bubble up from his chest. He couldn’t help but think back to the last time he had self-harmed. He had stumbled into Magnus’ loft after a training session with his bow. He refused to wear gloves and his hands were bleeding. Magnus had found him in the kitchen, sitting on the ground and shaking. Crying about Jace being the owl. He hadn’t said anything, just healed his wounds and held him until he was able to breathe again. Thinking of Magnus made his heart ache again. He felt tears forming at his eyes again.

 

“God dammit.” He muttered, wiping his eyes.

 

“Alec, he’s okay. You would never hurt him. You know that.” Raphael told him, and he nodded. Another unpleasant feeling joined him a few minutes later. Raphael noticed him subconsciously touch his throat and immediately left and brought him a cup of blood. “Drink.” He muttered softly. Alec looked at his hands with disgust and shook his head.

 

“I’m fine. I don’t—” He muttered, taking a step back. “I’m good. I don’t need it.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay Alec. It’s going to freak you out the first few times, but you have to drink.” Alec closed his eyes and tried not to focus on the burning in his throat. He sighed and grabbed the cup from him, drinking the blood in big gulps.


End file.
